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I blog because assault is illegal.

Tag Archives: Tuesday Meme

Tuesday Nonsense …

Five Things I Want My Kids to Know Before They Grow Up …

  1. There will be a moment in your life where you will be able to make your own choices. If you  want to wear a hot pink sweater with white-spotted leotards and Uggs boots when it is 95 degrees outside – feel free, when you’re 18. Until than, your choices (at an extended level) are MY choices; as I brought you into this world without medication because I didn’t want to harm you. That sacrifice caused me an unimaginable amount of pain for several hours, that will still take a few years of therapy to get over. MY choice… k?
  2. Life is not fair. Regardless of what anyone shall ever tell you, things do not just magically fall into place on their own. You will have to put a little elbow grease into it to get exactly what you want. The opportunities are limitless however, even when you have obtained a million dollars – life will still throw you a handful of fresh-shit. Be prepared by being smart, open-minded, tolerant, and willing to be a leader when the need arises. Oh and pick up your toys.
  3. I already know the dog didn’t do it however, because you are three years old and go to such great lengths to amuse me with your wild tales – I concur and move on while laughing on the inside. Do I sincerely believe the dog smeared an entire jar of peanut butter on the wall? Probably not because he listens when I say, “Paws Off!”. I love you anyways.
  4. Wilbor is not really Wilbor. Walmart does not have a hospital for fish. Wilbor is an ancestor of the three times deceased Wilbor. While lying is something I so lovingly remind you not to do, I lied because I know how much that strange, slippery, staring purple fish means to you.
  5. I am not a magician. While you are convinced I can make money, toys, food, and all your desires appear out of thin air, it just so happens I failed that class and took Psychology instead.

With all that said, did I mention my good intentions were an epic fail? As I began to twitch this morning from the usual morning chaos – a dear friend brought me a pack of smokes so I wouldn’t end up in prison. I suppose he thought a pack of smokes was cheaper than bail. ;0)



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